he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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