You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
