I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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