Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
