I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
