oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
In America we eat man semen.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
