do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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