How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm too high and old for this...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
