i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
