I wish I could teleport
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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