its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
