a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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