i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
