literally had 100 drinks last night.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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