i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
