Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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