I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
