you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
