Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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