i can't believe i had my finger in that
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
