I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
