Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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