I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
