I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
