You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Sext me about skeletons
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
