If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
