I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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