Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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