I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
