Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
