I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
