can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
