I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
