I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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