somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
