hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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