I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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