the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
