I want to have your abortion
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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