I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
