I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
