Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
