a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
