Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Oh god it's open bar.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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