dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's always time for handjobs
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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