like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
