we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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