Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
