Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
