now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
