Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
