Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
