I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
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We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far