the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.