you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?