her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
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Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
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Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.