hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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