Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
