I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
