The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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