god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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